Random Hit Locations
A zesty set of tables for when someone has to die!
This post is part of Prismatic Wasteland’s Random Blogwagon
Do you need some random hit locations? No not body parts where attacks land like this table from Retired Adventurer. I’m talking exotic locales for assassination. Everyone deserves to die but some deserve to die a little sooner and by your sweaty little hands. So why not do the deed somewhere beautiful and with a bunch of witnesses to kill crowds to hide in.
Who are you killing?
| d6 | Category | Royalty | Religious figure | Business owner | Celebrity | Someone you really hate |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Royalty | King/Queen | Pope | Oil Baron | Musician | You |
| 2 | Religious figure | Emperor/Empress | Archbishop | Importer/exporter | Poet | know |
| 3 | Business owner | Prince/Princess | Cardinal | Landlord | Retired adventurer | who |
| 4 | Celebrity | Duke/Duchess | Controversial Prophet | Investment banker | War hero | it |
| 5 | Someone you really hate | The creepy vizier | Really popular priest | Old money investor | Intellectual | is |
| 6 | The mum/dad/sentimental guardian figure of (roll again) | The next in line for (roll again) | Atheist intellectual | Entrepreneur (read general scumbag) | Roll twice and combine | Jared Leto1 |
Also there is a 1-in-6 chance they are also a wizard.
Where are you killing them?
| d6 | Where | What’s happening there | Who else is there | The ticking clock |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Palatial estate | A royal gala | A visiting dignitary | An invading army |
| 2 | Cathedral | A sacred ceremony | A famous chef | The target is getting ready to leave |
| 3 | A beautiful garden | An auction | A local busybody | Proceedings are heading to a smaller locked chamber |
| 4 | Pocket dimension | An orgy | A famed investigator | The target is about to sign a binding agreement |
| 5 | Ship | A feast | Another competing assassin | Your employer has your loved ones hostage |
| 6 | Roll twice and combine | Roll twice and combine | Jared Leto (bonus points) | Abstergo is catching on to you |
Why are you killing them?
| d6 | Why? |
|---|---|
| 1 | For |
| 2 | the |
| 3 | love |
| 4 | of |
| 5 | the |
| 6 | game |
and a big sack of gold.
The extra juice
You might have reached this point and are going “Danny these tables are shit-ass and so are you.” Not only is that libellous slander of the highest order but I haven’t even added the garish for this randomised dish. Retired Adventurer has another sexy little table that I have taken quite a shine to. Now whilst I would encourage you, foolhardy reader who would question my clear brilliance, to read the source I will reproduce the table in full.
1d4 Ontological Relationships between Randomly Generated Entries for Lazy DMs
Palimpsestic - The previous result is effaced except for a few traces (the slimes have eaten the orcs, only orc bones and treasure remain)
Additive - The previous result remains and the new result is simply added onto it (the slimes and the orcs are hanging out)
Combined - The new result and the previous result are combined into a single entity (the slimes are orc-shaped, or the orcs are covered in intelligent slimes)
Conditional - One or more of the results must be brought into the shared fiction via some trigger (the slimes are in jars, and if you’re sloppy when you fight the orcs you will break them and release them)
Now you can use this to generate a second VIP on the scene, complicate the original setting, or just make everything more chaotic. This little table is such a Swiss army knife that it makes the Swiss Army look like a bunch of under equipped babies. I would marry this table were I not in a mahoganous relationship with my desk. Use it, always. Staple it to your GM screen, notebook, and eyelids.
Anyway that’s all we have time for this post, so go out and stay lol so random like it’s 2008. Banana.
or Monte Cook if you hate him more (thanks Prismatic Wasteland Discord) ↩︎