Who Do I Write For?

There has been a little bit of a bandwagon started by Dungeon Fruit of stating who we write for. I think it’s a worthwhile exercise so here’s my attempt at it.

I think the answer is the same one it has always been, myself. Maybe it’s more accurate to say to be seen as myself. Looking back it goes back to high school, well before I knew I was autistic¹, when I found my voice as it were.

In the final year we had a year long assignment of picking a theme and viewing a swathe of texts (books, movies, documentaries, etc) along that theme. Then at the end of the year we would present our explorations of said theme. In panickedly writing my presentation last minute I left in the little jokes that would not stay in my normal essay work. Suddenly everyone saw a side of me that they hadn’t before and it felt good. I, unknowingly, had presented myself unvarnished by the elaborate masking that had defined me socially. I was seen, not merely tolerated. My teacher even went so far as to say that I should maintain that style in my ATAR² exams, and doing so got me my highest score in English ever.

I went into University with a renewed sense of selfconfidence. Slowly, however, that faded. As the pressure of engineering coursework increased I retreated socially. In retrospect this is a obvious outworking of my masking cracking under additional stress, but at the time I just thought I was cracking down to get my degree done. I didn’t really write any more. Fast forward to when I started this blog; well into my engineering career with a wife and kid, I discover the OSR. I obviously have to get involved with this weird DIY focused subculture of TRPGs and the way to do that is to write. Rediscovering my voice, learning the ins and outs of the culture, and having fun.

That’s who I write for; me. I create a space where I can truly be myself free from the social pressure that pervades every other interaction in my life. Where I can just say whatever stupid crap I am thinking about (in regards to my favourite hobby) without enduring blank stares. I don’t even really care if anyone reads it, I’m just happy it exists and it’s mine.

1. As of now I do not have a diagnosis but the jury have already come to their decision. ↩︎

2. Australian standardised testing for university placement working on a percentile system of the population. ↩︎